


ghosts

by tendermoonrisssonata



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Bathing/Washing, Book 3: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Drug Use, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Post-Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Tenderness, Trans Remus Lupin, Trans Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:47:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28336437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tendermoonrisssonata/pseuds/tendermoonrisssonata
Summary: remus lives with the ghost of what his life used to be
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30





	ghosts

remus lives with ghosts. he feels the ghost of sirius sleeping next to him when he wakes in the morning, upstairs getting the first aid kit on the night after the full moon, behind him to give him his coat when he’s about to leave for work. the ghost of sirius, a symbol of remus’s domesticity, is always a hair away from being seen, but he’s always felt. if remus attempts to forget sirius’s betrayal, it’s apparent most when remus is high. 

remus can almost see it, another life with sirius, when he’s high. if he lays on his back long enough, at the right hour of the night, with his sins of gluttony put in a place he can’t see, he can see sirius open the door to their bedroom, smile as he looked at remus, and jump onto their bed to shower remus in kisses and talk about his day or the food in the kitchen. in pink and orange light, remus would turn the record player on and light all of his expensive candles, carefully and sparingly used, so that his eyes aren’t blinded by lamps and the moonlight wouldn’t be perceived, and sirius would card his hands through remus’s hair and whisper reassuringly that they would last and protect each other no matter what. 

“i’ll be there for you. i’ll adore you for as long as you’ll have me.” 

it happens most when remus loses a job. the time between losing a job and finding a new one is, in remus’s opinion, the most efficient time to relapse. so routinely, remus would tell himself that he can bear another rejection or another racist customer because in a few weeks he would be given his last paycheck, pay for groceries, and then spend the remaining amount on chocolate and drugs. remus mourns on behalf of sirius because, in all honesty, sirius really was helping him get better, but being clean was hard and he didn’t have anyone to look after him on full moons anymore. 

remus remembers that on a sleepless night, a few months after james, lily, and peter had died and sirius had gone to azkaban, he, fully sober, dusted off his old hogwarts textbooks and researched everything he could find about dementors. he hears the ghost of sirius laugh when he reads that chocolate has been known to make wizards and witches feel better after an encounter with dementors. 

on the night in the shrieking shack, remus feels like he stepped into another universe, one where he liked how the cards played out, where the ghost of sirius isn’t a shadow because sirius is standing there innocent and teases him as if no time has passed. and remus hugs sirius so hard and only lets go because they were uncles who needed to console harry and his found family. remus steps into a ghost of his 21 year self where he is a revolutionary who knows every word to every drinking song and he fights for his chosen family and has friends who have committed to the same morals as him. 

then remus wakes up in the middle of the forbidden forest. he tastes blood in his mouth, and he wonders if the 12 years of grief on his chest was only gone because he hallucinated sirius during a bad trip, but no, it couldn’t have been because he wasn’t going to use while at hogwarts. remus stumbles to the shrieking shack, finding a pair of clothes he had left in a drawer from his time at hogwarts and his wand, somewhere strewn on the floor. 

dumbledore updates remus on what had happened the night before and gently tells remus it would be wise if he packed his bags and left quietly. remus nods because he has to, because snape’s suspicions would be proven right if he were to struggle, because mcgonagall might cry if she had to see another one of her students get carted off to azkaban. 

and while remus is about to leave, an owl flies to his window and pecks at it in urgency. and remus takes the owl’s letter to read a note saying “i’m where we always said we would go if we ever had to escape. will you have me?” and remus’s heart flutters and he feels like he’s among the living again. 

remus is in a cave outside of hogsmeade. remus is crying because sirius is hurt and remus knows its the wolf’s fault. remus is crying because he can touch sirius and sirius isn’t a ghost. remus is crying because sirius is crying. remus is crying because he can touch sirius and that means that remus can hurt sirius, but sirius doesn’t seem to mind. remus is crying because sirius says “can we go home” so, so gently

they apparate to remus’s cottage by the sea, where there are ghosts no more. 

sirius and remus are holding hands in a dusty cottage remus wants sirius to call home. 

remus turns to sirius, tentatively brushing the collars of the worn prison garb, and says, “do you want to take a bath?” 

“yeah,” sirius says quietly. he takes remus’s hand in his again. “will you help me?” and remus nods, leading him hand in hand to the bathroom. 

as remus gingerly takes off sirius’s clothes, folds them, and helps him step into the warm drawn bath, sirius is quiet. “is this okay?” remus asks. 

“yes, it’s” sirius pauses as if to diagnose the problem. “it’s tender.” and remus feels like he can hear sirius’s own ghosts moan languidly in the cottage. remus first tries to heal sirius’s ears, which despite the decade of time has not healed completely. ‘they don’t let you have piercings in azkaban, and they’re not very gentle about taking them out,” sirius had said, hovering his hand where his industrial had been. remus takes his blazer and tie off, throwing it somewhere on the floor, and rolls his sleeves up, and he gingerly begins to lift up sirius’s arm and begins scrubbing. 

after an hour of scrubbing and two refills of water, remus doesn’t know how long he can stall from washing sirius’s hair. he doesn’t know why he’s so hesitant about it. maybe it’s just objectively more intimate. but what could be more intimate than scrubbing under the nails of your former lover’s hands, or washing in between his toes, or washing his face, or wiping his scarred chest? 

sirius must have sensed remus’s discomfort because he unbuttoned remus’s shirt and tiredly says “come on, moony, join me already.” 

remus takes off his clothes, facing away from sirius. he glances at himself in the mirror from the corner of his eye and falters. years of poor eating weighed on remus’s body. cheap high caloric greasy food and sweets had left him satiated when checks weren’t coming in, and he no longer was the lean 17 year old sirius fell in love with. but then sirius grabs his hand, and remus turns to see what sirius needed. and then sirius looks up and down remus’s body and says “merlin, remus. i’ve dreamed of you for years in azkaban and not once did i do your beauty justice.” 

remus is awkwardly climbing into the bath, now charmed a bit bigger, and sits down, careful not to cause a mess. sirius is leaning back into remus’s chest while remus scrunches coconut oil into sirius’s tangled knots. when that’s done, remus massages sirius’s hair with shampoo and conditioner, and makes sure the water pressure is not too high and not too low when the soap is washed out. 

“did we used to do this?” sirius asks when they are still in bath tub after sirius is clean and remus is chastly kissing every one of sirius’s knuckles and every inch of his neck. sirius and remus are putting a healing salve on their old top surgery scars.

“yes. often,” remus kisses into sirius’s neck. “it was the first thing we did after a particularly bad mission, too. you wanted to go to sleep but we had to wash the blood off of us and wrap our wounds. bath was the next best thing after cuddling in bed.” 

“i could die right now and be happy.”

“you can’t die, padfoot. i’d have no god to worship.”

sirius looks at the way his fingers intertwine with remus’s and the scars on their arms. “how did you deal with the last 12 years?”

remus pauses. because he felt like all he did the past 12 years was disappoint sirius. “i don’t know. i only let myself remember the moments when i wasn’t sober.” 

sirius squeezes remus’s hand as if to say ‘that’s alright, moony, nothing to be ashamed of.’ “i dreamed of you. i tried to at least. i would look at the moon, or during the day, the moon phases tattoo on my arm and pray you would think of me. i- i don’t know what the dementors did to my memory, but it’s really fuzzy. my memory, that is. but god, moony, i remember our fights and when you looked at me when they were carting me off to azkaban, and the dementors took every memory we had except for those ones because they broke my heart. and through all of that i loved you and only wanted to think of you. it gave me hope.” 

they’re crying, and remus is holding sirius so tight. “padfoot, darling, i felt like you took my heart and left a body when i met you. and when you were in azkaban i was followed around by ghosts. of what. of what we would’ve had if this blasted war didn’t happen. i thought i could dream of you enough that you’d hear me and come home. every full moon was so lonely and painful. you’re where my heart is, sirius, and where it always will be.” 

and they talk for a while, eventually getting up and drying each other off. sirius’s teeth still feel sore, but they are both hoping remus’s spells helped get sirius’s teeth back to high society’s standards. sirius requests to wear remus’s old hogwarts pajamas (because it smells like remus the most), and they both get dressed and go to the kitchen. remus had snuck from the hogwarts kitchen as many leftover unprepared food the house elves could give him before the great feast, so he tried to cook with that (thanking merlin for the saved grocery bill). 

“what food do you like, moony?” 

“chocolate.” 

“well that’s not something one forgets is it?” sirius says, remembering once that remus had snuck into sirius’s pockets four bars of honeydukes chocolate with peanuts the one time remus had visited him in azkaban. “what food do i like, moony?”

remus stops cutting the vegetables, and says “we can find out together.” he spins around to give sirius a kiss on both cheeks and on the forehead. “you liked curry, beef wellington, french pastries, anything with peanuts in it, grapes, mangoes, and, annoyingly, a lot of rich people food.” 

“right. let’s try them all, eventually.” 

“right.” 

sirius finds himself liking whatever dish remus had made, and later finds that he is partial to pork, really likes spicy food (and he used to hate it), and doesn’t like onions, beans, or peas. 

after dinner, sirius and remus are naked on their couch, kissing each other lazily, and then they are naked in their bed, holding each other and taking turns getting to kiss each scar on the other person’s body.


End file.
